so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
