I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
