She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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