I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
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