There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.