Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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