omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
