Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
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