The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
