She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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