i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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