does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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