We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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