Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
