i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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