Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
