Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
