I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
