dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
