At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I did not marry a roomba.
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