My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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