i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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