I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
