just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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