I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
