Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
