My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
