TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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