i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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