did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I looked at my own cervix.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Randomize
