im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
