I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
