i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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