im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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