god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
