I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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