How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
