Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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