every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
