My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
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