either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
