the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
