you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
