you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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