It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
