I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
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