Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
