remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
