My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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