as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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