i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
