I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
She's the barista slut.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
