Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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