Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
