he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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