im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
