Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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