omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
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Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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