I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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